Brawndo’s got what plants crave

idiocracyThe dialog below is from the 2006 movie, Idiocracy. But to really appreciate it, you should listen to this mp3.

The premise of the movie: Average guy (Joe) in hibernation experiment wakes up 500 years later to find out American intelligence has been dumbed down — literally transported to the shallow end of the gene pool fueled by generations of advertising and marketing.

The problem with this dystopian fantasy is that it’s too close to the truth: The number-one TV show is ‘Ow, My Balls,’ the Secretary of State is brought to you by Carl’s Jr., and the smart lawyer got into Costco’s law school because his dad pulled some strings.

The world’s food supply is also in trouble because farmers put Brawndo — a kind of sports-beverage for plants — on their crops instead of water. Joe tries to talk them out of it:

Joe: “For the last time, I’m pretty sure what’s killing the crops is this Brawndo stuff.”
Secretary of State: “But Brawndo’s got what plants crave. It’s got electrolytes.”
Attorney General (Sara Rue): “So wait a minute. What you’re saying is that you want us to put water on the crops.”
Joe: “Yes.”
Attorney General: “Water. Like out the toilet?”
Joe: “Well, I mean, it doesn’t have to be out of the toilet, but, yeah, that’s the idea.”
Secretary of State: “But Brawndo’s got what plants crave.”
Attorney General: “It’s got electrolytes.”
Joe: “Okay, look. The plants aren’t growing, so I’m pretty sure that the Brawndo’s not working. Now, I’m no botanist, but I do know that if you put water on plants, they grow.”
Secretary of Energy (Brendan Hill): “Well, I’ve never seen no plants grow out of no toilet.”
Secretary of State: “Hey, that’s good. You sure you ain’t the smartest guy in the world?”
Joe: “Okay, look. You wanna solve this problem. I wanna get my pardon. So why don’t we just try it, okay, and not worry about what plants crave?”
Attorney General: “Brawndo’s got what plants crave.”
Secretary of Energy: “Yeah, it’s got electrolytes.”
Joe: “What are electrolytes? Do you even know?”
Secretary of State: “It’s what they use to make Brawndo.”
Joe: “Yeah, but why do they use them to make Brawndo?”
Secretary of Defense: “‘Cause Brawndo’s got electrolytes.”

Just a word to the wise.

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9 thoughts on “Brawndo’s got what plants crave”

  1. So you’re one of the people who’ve actually seen this Austin-made movie, Craig!
    Philo and I saw it at the theater and I posted a review last September 3rd, joking that the crops theme made it a suitable subject for a garden blog. We never saw the DVD version yet and I heard there are a lot of extras. Maybe it’s time to rent it. It’s even more relevant than when it was filmed.

    Annie at the Transplantable Rose

  2. I didn’t realize it was made in Austin, Annie. I didn’t realize they made films in Austin, actually. (Bet you didn’t know that Ithaca rivaled Hollywood during the silent film era. I’m not sorry filmmakers decided that Hollywood was a better place to film year-round.)

    I have to admit, I thought the premise of the movie better than the execution, but I still laughed hard. I missed your review because I didn’t really start reading gardening blogs until last winter. (It’s here if others are curious:

    Surfing back through your archives looking for your review I see you also reviewed Mitchell’s Essential Earthman. I live in awe of that man. I loved his books, even though he gardened a Zone or two south of me and really didn’t care whether or not his columns ever made it into a book.

  3. I saw it on netflix probably last winter. It probably holds the record for fastest transition from theater to dvd. Dystopian fantasies are OK if they involve a lot of violence. But we can’t tolerate a slow slide to stupidity, I guess.

  4. BEDEMIR: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
    VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.
    BEDEMIR: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
    VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah.
    BEDEMIR: Does wood sink in water?
    VILLAGER #1: No, no.
    VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats!
    VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond!
    CROWD: The pond!
    BEDEMIR: What also floats in water?
    VILLAGER #1: Bread!
    VILLAGER #2: Apples!
    VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks!
    VILLAGER #1: Cider!
    VILLAGER #2: Great gravy!
    VILLAGER #1: Cherries!
    VILLAGER #2: Mud!
    VILLAGER #3: Churches — churches!
    VILLAGER #2: Lead — lead!
    ARTHUR: A duck.
    CROWD: Oooh.
    BEDEMIR: Exactly! So, logically…,
    VILLAGER #1: If… she.. weighs the same as a duck, she’s made of wood.
    BEDEMIR: And therefore–?
    VILLAGER #1: A witch!
    CROWD: A witch!

  5. A bit further Joe is knealling down talking and the voiceover says “After an hour of using logic and reason Joe gave up and told everyone that he could talk to plants.” – it works. The prison escape scene is hillarious too!

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